Onaas Devarim – Words that Hurt
by
Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern
It is unimaginable for any G-d fearing Jew to earn a living by cheating (onaas mamom). However in our daily lives, we may be transgressing a more severe prohibition than cheating – onaas devarim. Chazal say that onaas devarim is more severe than onaas mammon because a) a person feels more distressed when his feelings are hurt and b) money earned dishonestly can be returned whereas hurt feelings cannot be undone [Bava Metzia 58b].
When we speak about prohibited speech, the first thing that comes to our minds is lashon hara. Although many of us are aware of the severity of speaking lashon hara, there seems to be a lack of awareness of both the scope and severity of the prohibition of onaas devarim.
General Principles
The Torah commands us "Lo sonu ish es amiso," – do not aggrieve one another [Vayikra 25:17]. Rashi explains this to be a prohibition against causing pain or anguish to another with words, hence the term "onaas devarim." Nevertheless, this issur is not limited to words, hurting another’s feelings in writing or with a gesture is also included in this prohibition [Chafetz Chaim,Chovas Hashemira ; Shulchan Aruch Hagra"z, Hilchos Ona’a] There is a famous homiletic saying on the passuk, "Ki ve’apam hargu ish," [literally, "in their anger they killed a person", Bereishis 49:6] with a mere "twist of the nose (af)," one can kill a person.
One does not have to give another person "a devastating blow" to transgress the prohibition of onaas devarim. The Chazon Ish writes that onaas devarim applies even if the other’s feelings were only momentarily hurt [Letters, Vol. 1 #211]. For example, if a person was distracted immediately after being hurt and does not feel the discomfort or emotional pain anymore. This applies especially with children, who may be easily distracted and then forget their previous distress.
The prohibition applies even when no one else is present, and applies even in the privacy of your home between husband and wife or parents and children [Shaarei TeShuva 3:214, Chafetz Chaim, P’Sicha, Prohibition # 13].
Embarrassing another or hurting another’s feelings in the presence of two other people is a more severe aveira, as it also includes the prohibition of malbin pnei chaveiro be’rabim, shaming another person in public.
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“One who is careful not to hurt other people, all the blessings mentioned in the Torah will befall him and he will enjoy a pleasurable life in This World and the Next.” [see Letter from Rav Shteinman ]
I, not a Jewish person.
ReplyDeleteI am guilty of hurling hurtful words to many people, relatives and non relatives.
Feel sorry, have changed, have regretted.
But, the fact of all the past hurts that I have hurled, ( to those, who hurt me first - not an excuse), for I knew not better.
This lives within me, the guilt, and yes old I am.
Have reached out, apologized, but the pain remains with many of them that I hurt.
A 'Goy', too regrets and hurts, though in the eyes of many 'Chosen', it matters not, for as they think, Goys are not anything in God's eyes.
Nonetheless, Goys hurt and regret too.
It's not true that "Goys are not anything in G-d's eyes".... I don't know why you write that. I've told you many times before that RIghteous Gentiles are very precious, and you know that. They have a place in the World to Come. You need to remember that.
ReplyDeleteI Apologize, if my comment hurt anyone.
DeleteI love and follow Chabbad, as Noahide ofcourse.
Long ago when i was younger than i am today, I made a special visit to the burial place of the Beloved Rebbe. Felt so welcome there, people at his burial site, (women's site), were so kind and welcoming.
Chabad is awesome.
For many reasons, i did not convert. I learned much from them, and still learning.
If my earlier comment hurt anyone, please forgive me.
God bless Chabad.
God bless the Chosen.
God bless the owner of this Blog.
The bestest Blog, i have followed and learned so much about God.
God bless you Devorah.
And thanks to allthe encouraging comments, and please
forgive me.
There are different levels of Goyim just as there are different levels of Jews. For example, a tzaddik is the high level, very rare to find a true Tzaddik. Then you have righteous Jews who sometimes sin, then you have Jews who do the wrong thing, Jews who don't even know what they are supposed to be doing.... etc etc
ReplyDeleteAlso we have the levels of Goyim. There are the Bnei Noach who learn Torah and follow one G-d, these are Righteous Gentiles, and then there are different levels of Goyim, going down in stature after that. Some Goyim may be like animals, but that is the lowest level. They exist only to eat and sleep, no belief in G-d, no morals etc. But the highest level is the Bnei Noach and if you read this blog you are no doubt on that level. Do not think that you not anything in G-d's eyes because you are very precious and you assist the Jewish people in their mission.
Annoymous @ 12:29 PM, I thank you for your comment.
DeleteGod Bless you and keep you and yours safe, under His Wings. Amen.
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