I don't remember when or where, but I clearly remember learning that at the End of Days we would be tested. You may think the test is whether we support Israel or not.... but I think the test is far greater than that.
Someone very close to me, who didn't know Yiddish but had picked up a few words here and there [and managed to mis-pronounce all of them] used to often say she was "fedummeled". Fedummeled is not actually a Yiddish word, it isn't any word at all, but she would use it when she was confused and couldn't focus on anything due to stress. That's how I feel right now.. I feel fedummeled.
I have gone back and forth, not understanding how the G-d that I have believed and trusted in for all my life could allow such terrible things to happen to innocent babies, children and parents. It's not something I can deal with on any level. Hence, I am fedummeled.
But I decided that this must be the actual test.... do we abandon G-d, as many did during the Holocaust, because G-d had obviously abandoned those who awaited their death in the concentration camps? Or do we carry on and understand that this is happening for a reason? How can we believe in Hashem's kindness in the face of such horror that we witnessed on October 7 ?
I think this is the test at the End of Days. It's a very difficult test, because we cannot understand why Hashem would allow any of it. I have gone back and forth with this issue, I have no answers and no comprehension of Hashem's ways. I thought I knew who G-d was, obviously I was under a false impression because the G-d I know would not have allowed the events of October 7.
I don't know what to make of anything right now. What do I do with the innocent people in Gaza with no food or water, or shelter? What do I with my heartache for all the suffering of my own people?
I remain fedummeled. I'm not sure I'm even passing the test at the End of Days right now. Even if I pray to G-d, I'm still shell-shocked and operating on less than 50% of my usual power.
I know as a blogger I'm supposed to present an outward sense of strength and pass that on to my readers. I admire those bloggers [and commenters] who can do that, I admire their strength, especially if they are living in Israel. Although lately I've been thinking it's a lot harder to be a Jew in the diaspora, and I haven't gone out very much since October 7 which is already one month ago. I've been dazed for a month, I'm confused and yes I am fedummeled.