Shirat Devorah

 

by Chavi Israel [The Empowered Jew]

This doesn’t happen to me. 

This doesn’t happen in real life. 

This is what happens on the news, in the movies, through the screens, until it doesn’t, and it happens to you. 

I am still in a state of utter shock and disbelief. I feel somewhat frozen, numb, and dissociated. I cannot fully comprehend what my precious baby, myself and the Jewish community have just experienced.

And then it randomly hits me. I spotted my pram (which is still missing, but who cares) right in front of the petting area where people were doing CPR. I was right there, seconds before. Those people on the floor, injured or maybe worse, that could have easily been me. The people two seconds away from me got shot. 

Even as I write this, I am still in complete disbelief. 

Survivor’s guilt - its a real thing. 

And speaking about being a survivor… that doesn’t sound right either. “Huh,” I survived one of the biggest terrorist attacks in Australia? That gives me the chills. It makes me shudder. What a miracle it is that I am alive. 

I feel guilty even writing this because people have lost their loved ones, and my entire community and heart are shattered. But I don’t feel like I can own the title “survivor.” I did nothing. I just did what any person, any mother, would do. I didn’t survive. Hashem, through His infinite kindness, allowed my baby and me to survive. It is all Hashem, not me. 

I am getting messages saying the time has come to make Aliyah. “This is the sign,” they tell me. Yet today I have also met so many Aussies who have been nothing but kind and compassionate, reminding me that this is un-Australian and that they are distraught for the Jewish community. And yet, throughout the last 24 hours I feel like I am in a daze, a haze, half in and out of the clouds. 

I keep thinking back to the day - I can’t believe it was just yesterday. A nightmare that feels like a lifetime ago. I messaged my friend Chaya last night. She was my angel, without her, I don’t know if I would have survived. I wanted to get my phone, and because of her, I just ducked down, covering my baby. She meanwhile messaged me that I was her angel, and that I gave her something to focus on because her husband had run ahead with their baby. 

How Hashem sends you angels. Chaya and I have known each other for pretty much our entire lives, and Hashem made us be together through, please G-d, the most traumatic event of our lives. 

I know I am The Empowered Jew, and our mission is to be empowered, loud, and proud of our Jewish identity, and, by extension, our love for our homeland, Eretz Yisrael. And yet, right after the attack, I was not feeling empowered. I was, understandably so, feeling frightened, abandoned, and alone as a Jew here in Australia. “I’m not going to any more public Jewish events outdoors,” I told my husband, and “we need to seriously look into making Aliyah.” 

And although these feelings are still present, I can’t deny that I am nothing but humbled and inspired by those who tragically lost their loved ones, and by the words of Rabbi Eli Schlanger, Alohav HaShalom, HY”D - one of the victims - who said that the best response to Jew hatred is to turn darkness into light, distress into positive action. To channel all that fear, anger, and energy into goodness and kindness; doing another mitzvah, making this world a brighter place and a place ready for G-d to dwell in. 

And even as I write this, I am amazed by our people. We fight darkness with light. ALWAYS. No matter the circumstances. We are not a vengeful people. We are a loving, kind, compassionate people. We see the best in everyone and everything. We have complete trust in Hashem. We pray for life. We pray for peace - for all. We spring into action. Tehillim groups. Meal trains. Charity campaigns. Truly, the message of the menorah is that all you need is one tiny little light to dispel the darkness. 

Every night of Chanukah, we increase in light. We, and I am talking to myself, need to take this dark, dark, VERY dark episode and channel that grief into light. And that doesn’t mean not dealing with the trauma, or not feeling the feelings. Everyone is on their own journey and needs to heal in their own way. But we need to be there for one another. We need to be unified. We need to show kindness and compassion. We need to increase in our mitzvot. And we need to ensure that these evil people who wanted to eradicate our light know that we are not going anywhere. The Jewish people. The Jewish nation. The Jewish land. Is here to stay. 

And I don’t need to tell anyone that. You just need to take a quick glimpse at Jewish history and see, as we say every year in the Pesach Haggadah:

 וְהִיא שֶׁעָמְדָה לַאֲבוֹתֵינוּ וְלָנוּ, שֶׁלֹּא אֶחָד בִּלְבָד עָמַד עָלֵינוּ לְכַלּוֹתֵנוּ — אֶלָּא שֶׁבְּכָל דּוֹר וָדוֹר עוֹמְדִים עָלֵינוּ לְכַלּוֹתֵנוּ; וְהַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא מַצִּילֵנוּ מִיָּדָם. 

“And it is this promise that has stood for our ancestors and for us: not only one enemy has risen against us to destroy us, but in every generation they rise against us to destroy us, and the Holy One, blessed be He, saves us from their hands.” And since tonight is the second night of Chanukah, the Festival of Lights, we say in Al HaNissim that Hashem, 

וְאַתָּה בְּרַחֲמֶיךָ הָרַבִּים עָמַדְתָּ לָהֶם בְּעֵת צָרָתָם — “You stood by them in their time of distress…” Hashem, we know You are standing by our side, but now we need to see Your G-dliness in a revealed light. 

We need a “תשועה גדולה ופורקן - a great salvation and redemption.” We need Your G-dliness revealed openly, NOW! 

Mi Ke’amcha Ba’elim, Hashem Who is like You, the Almighty G‑d? This is what the mighty Maccabees declared to Hashem, hence the source of their name. 

And I say: Mi Ke’amcha Yisrael Who is like You, the Almighty Israel? 

For those who would like to act and give tzedakah, you can donate here to support the victims and families.