Anger Management

by Rabbi Michoel Gourarie

Question:

I have come to the realization that I have a real temper problem. I lose my cool quickly and fairly often. With the smallest provocation I fly off the handle, scream and shout and say things that I later regret. Sometimes I can be quite abusive, humiliating those around me. I really need to work on this problem. What do you suggest?

Answer:

Fixing a personality defect or a character flaw is no different to treating a physical disease.

There are 5 steps in dealing with physical illness:

a) The first and most critical step is to recognize that we are ill.
b) We don't have the necessary expertise ourselves, so we go to the doctor.
c) The professional makes a diagnosis.
d) Based on an accurate diagnosis the doctor prescribes the appropriate treatment.
e) Just focusing on the specific sickness is ineffective. We need to develop a general health plan. Healthy routines of eating, exercise, rest and stress management, affect our general strength and help prevent future disease.

Dealing with a character deficit such as out of control anger is no different.

a) You have to recognize that you have a problem (you have done that already - congratulations, you are on the way to recovery).

b) Don't do it alone. Discuss it with a mentor and if necessary with a competent therapist.

c) Although the ultimate goal of self control is obvious, it can only really be sustained with a good diagnosis. You need to understand why you are so easily provoked, what are the red flags that ignite an outburst and what are the times that you are most vulnerable.

d) With a good diagnosis your mentor or counselor can help you develop a good action plan. This will include learning how to recognize the onset of an angry mood and the strategies to make sure it doesn't explode.

e) You need a general health plan. Sometimes we fail in specific areas because we have lost a general positive focus. Developing a good plan of growth where we ensure that we are involved in activities of kindness, spiritual growth, personal study all create a stronger person that can fight specific weaknesses with strength .

You have already completed step one. Only four to go - good luck. 

Created at Twilight

"But if Hashem will create a phenomenon, and the earth opens its mouth and swallows them" [Korach 16:30]

Rashi cites the Gemara in Maseches Sanhedrin [110a]: "If the mouth of the earth is a creation from the six days of Creation," said Moshe Rabbeinu, "then fine. But if not, may Hashem create one!"

Why, asked the Chasam Sofer [R' Moshe Sofer], did Moshe Rabbeinu have any doubt as to whether or not the mouth of the earth had been created during the six days of Creation?  For Chazal state [Avot 5:9] explicitly:

Ten things were created at twilight on the eve of the first Sabbath:

the mouth of the earth

the mouth of the well

the mouth of the ass

the rainbow;

the manna;

Aaron's staff;

the Shamir, writing;

the inscription on the tablets of the Ten Commandments;

and the tablets themselves. 

How then could Moshe have overlooked this Mishnah?

One of the ten things enumerated by Chazal, answered the Chasam Sofer, was "Moshe's grave".  This grave, whose location is unknown, was also created at twilight of that erev Shabbos.

Hashem therefore concealed all ten things from Moshe so that he would not hear of his own passing.  Thus, Moshe had to request "If the mouth of the earth is a creation from the six days of Creation, then fine. But if not, may Hashem create one!"

Source: Rabbi Yisrael Bronstein

The Bride's Debt

It once happened in Safed, that a disciple of the Holy Ari had to go on a long journey. Before departing, he came to his teacher for a letter of recommendation. The Ari wrote it for him, then blessed him and said "May G-d be with you, and may you go in peace".

The disciple then asked "Master, can you tell me anything about what will happen when I get there?"

"You will marry a beautiful woman" the Ari replied. "And she is your destined soulmate for this life. But after you have been happily married for only six months, she will suddenly die. And here is the reason: In another incarnation, this woman was a man, and you were also a man then. He was your dearest friend, but he also caused you some legal trouble for six months. Finally, he brought a lawsuit against you in the civil courts, which caused you to lose 600 gold coins, even though you were innocent of his charges.

"Now" continued the Ari, "this friend from another life is once again reincarnated - as the woman you will marry on your journey. His soul has come to make atonement for his sins against you. For the six months of trouble that he caused in that life, you will have six months of happiness in this life. The inheritance you will receive when she dies is to repay you for the 600 gold pieces you lost in the past life. But even though you know this, you should be kind and patient to this woman, and grant her forgiveness for the trouble she caused you in the previous life."

And everything happened exactly as the Holy Ari said it would.

[Shivchei Ha-Ari, 16th century]

Amazing Segula Ring - Free !

If you're looking for a Segula Ring, there is a far better alternative, inexpensive and always beneficial.

You pick up the phone and ring your mother, ask her how she is and if there's anything you can do for her today.

Blessings are guaranteed.

[And if you don't want what I'm talking about, see here and here]

Never Despair

The whole reason a person is placed in this world is to go through all that he must! He must be as strong and as solid as a rock to bear everything in life. Whatever a person experiences, he must hope and yearn and wait for God, and under no circumstances should he despair of God's mercy.

The main thing is for you to have the belief in yourself, like my belief in you, that you can still make a new start now.

[Reb Nosson of Breslov]

Korach's Mistake

According to Chasidic thought, Korach's rebellion occurred at this point in time since it was prompted by the sin of the spies.  The inner reason why the spies did not want to enter the Land of Israel was because they preferred the exclusively spiritual life of the desert to a life of serving G-d and physical concerns, such as the need to earn a living.  The downfall of the spies thus sent a powerful message that Judaism prioritizes physical action over spiritual and intellectual pursuits.

Upon hearing this, Korach protested to Moshe "Why have you made yourselves elite over G-d's assembly?" [Korach 16:3]  "I can appreciate" argued Korach, "that you are a more spiritual and holy person than us, but since we now see that Judaism makes physical action the priority, how are you better than anybody else? Aren't your actions the same as ours?"

Korach's mistake was that the Torah does not demand lifeless action, but rather deeds that shine with inspiration and spiritual enlightenment.  Thus, the two mistakes of the spies and Korach teach us that a healthy equilibrium is required: One must not shy away from physical life, like the spies.  But on the other hand, Judaism's emphasis on action must never lead to a life of meaningless ritual and spiritual bankruptcy.  Every mitzvah should be carried out with the highest levels of spiritual consciousness.

Our struggle to harmonize physical action with spiritual contemplation is fought on three fronts:

a) the need to ensure that one's intentions do not remain in the realm of wishful thinking and that concrete action takes place;

b) that one's actions should always be dictated by the Torah's value system;

c) that action should never be overglorified, and that one should always aspire to be more spiritual.

Our Sages taught that the world was made with the letter ה.  This is because its shape represents the equilibrium between the more spiritual dimensions of thought and speech, versus physical deed.  Korach's name - קרח - is spelled by letters that are all distortions of the left side of the letter hei, indicating how he wished to upset this equilibrium in the area of deeds.

In the ches ח the gap between deed and thought/speech is closed, suggesting that the physical no longer looks up to or aspires to the spiritual - which is why Korach rebelled against the spiritual leadership of Moshe and Aharon.

In the kuf ק deed has extended below and is no longer dictated by the thought and speech of Torah.

And in the raish ר, deed is missing altogether.

In short, it is relatively easy to be entirely spiritual and aloof, or entirely physical and mundane.  Our challenge is to harmonize both these qualities in our daily life, thus making a home for G-d below.

Based on Likutei Sichos, Lubavitcher Rebbe

Volcanic Ash: More flight disruptions

Ash cloud from Chile's Puyehue-Cordon Caulle volcano

Flights have again been disrupted as a volcanic ash cloud from a Chilean volcano drifts across Australian airspace.  For Sydney all domestic Qantas and Jetstar flights to and from the city from 3pm have been suspended. Qantas said it was reviewing its international flights to and from Sydney.

The air cloud has travelled around Earth one-and-a-half times and is "particularly persistent in the atmosphere", Airservices Australia said.

Read more: Sydney Morning Herald

The Way of Strife

"Why do you elevate yourselves over Hashem's congregation?" [Korach 16:3]

Such is the nature of a dispute that is not for the sake of Heaven, noted R' Simchah Bunim of P'shischa. It blinds the eyes and closes the hearts of the quarrelers, so that they lose their common sense.

For the Torah testifies about Moshe Rabbeinu: "Now the man Moshe was exceedingly humble, more than any person on the face of the earth." How could anyone possibly accuse him of possessing the contemptible trait of arrogance? Yet this is exactly what Korach and his assembly did, as the verse states: "Why do you exalt yourselves over the congregation of Hashem?"

Rather, this is the way of strife, the power of impurity that accompanies it totally corrupts an individual's intellect.

Source: Rabbi Yisrael Bronstein