Words that Kill

Art by xovikki

Onaas Devarim - Words that Hurt by Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

It is unimaginable for any G-d fearing Jew to earn a living by cheating [onaas mamom]. However in our daily lives, we may be transgressing a more severe prohibition than cheating – onaas devarim. Chazal say that onaas devarim is more severe than onaas mammon because a) a person feels more distressed when his feelings are hurt and b) money earned dishonestly can be returned whereas hurt feelings cannot be undone [Bava Metzia 58b].

When we speak about prohibited speech, the first thing that comes to our minds is lashon hara. Although many of us are aware of the severity of speaking lashon hara, there seems to be a lack of awareness of both the scope and severity of the prohibition of onaas devarim.

General Principles

The Torah commands us "Lo sonu ish es amiso" – do not aggrieve one another [Vayikra 25:17]. Rashi explains this to be a prohibition against causing pain or anguish to another with words, hence the term "onaas devarim." Nevertheless, this issur is not limited to words, hurting another’s feelings in writing or with a gesture is also included in this prohibition [Chafetz Chaim, Chovas Hashemira ; Shulchan Aruch Hagra"z, Hilchos Ona’a] There is a famous homiletic saying on the passuk, "Ki ve’apam hargu ish" [literally, "in their anger they killed a person", Bereishis 49:6] with a mere "twist of the nose [af]," one can kill a person.

One does not have to give another person "a devastating blow" to transgress the prohibition of onaas devarim. The Chazon Ish writes that onaas devarim applies even if the other’s feelings were only momentarily hurt [Letters, Vol. 1 #211]. For example, if a person was distracted immediately after being hurt and does not feel the discomfort or emotional pain anymore. This applies especially with children, who may be easily distracted and then forget their previous distress.

The prohibition applies even when no one else is present, and applies even in the privacy of your home between husband and wife or parents and children [Shaarei TeShuva 3:214, Chafetz Chaim, P’Sicha, Prohibition # 13].

Embarrassing another or hurting another’s feelings in the presence of two other people is a more severe aveira, as it also includes the prohibition of malbin pnei chaveiro be’rabim, shaming another person in public.

Continue reading at Daf Yomi Review

Remedy for an Evil Eye

The evil eye, also known in Hebrew as the ayin hara, is usually seen as a mysterious external force, lurking around, waiting to pounce on innocent victims. Some of us are familiar with phrases such as bli ayin hara or k'nayna hara, which are said in an attempt to ward off the influence of the evil eye. Other protective measures against the evil eye include the wearing of special amulets or visits to those who perform various practices using oil, mercury or eggs in an attempt to shatter the effects of the evil eye. On the other hand, many of us understandably relegate any discussion about the evil eye to superstition and irrationality. However, there is another dimension to the story of the evil eye, which can dramatically transform our relationship to others and the world in general.

The evil eye is synonymous with greediness, not being satisfied with one's portion, jealousy and begrudging others their good fortune. Someone who has an evil eye possesses these attributes as part of their personality. These characteristics can be manifested in a person quite openly, or sometimes in a much more hidden and subtle way. The potential damaging influence arises when someone who harbors these types of feelings against us, looks upon us, or our good fortune, including our children and our possessions. The negative force only has power over that which can actually be seen by the physical eye. This is one of the reasons that it can actually be a blessing to not be so noticeable in the public eye.

But wait... before you start glancing nervously over your shoulder, let's turn this entire idea upside down. Rebbe Nachman writes that we have to pray a lot in order to be saved from the evil eye [Likutey Moharan 54]. Which evil eye? Our own evil eye! Here is the secret principle: The evil eye only has power over us to the extent that we ourselves have the evil eye. According to Rebbe Nachman, there are two types of evil eye. The first type of evil eye is when we see our friend enjoy some elevation or greatness and wish it wasn't so. The second type is when we have an evil or begrudging eye towards anything else about our friend. The remedy for this potentially harmful situation is to develop a good eye, an ayin tova, towards everyone. This means sincerely wishing the best for them at all times, and being genuinely happy for their success.

Rebbe Nachman does point out that one also needs to pray a great deal in order to be saved from the evil eye of another, yet the primary responsibility for avoiding the evil eye lies with ourselves. If we feel that we don't have the strength to withstand the evil eye of someone else, for whatever reason, we should stay clear of that person until we have strengthened the power of our own good eye. 

Rebbe Nachman also teaches another benefit to a good eye: By finding merit, in even a wicked person, one is saved from the evil eye. This means not engaging at all in the negativity of another who wishes you harm. Respond only positively and pleasantly, emphasizing the good point that can be found in anyone or any situation. Respond to a curse with a blessing, no matter what! Then, the bad has absolutely nothing to grab and hold onto. This brings good into the world, subduing and eventually eliminating the bad completely.

Some of us may still insist on using amulets and other practices aimed at breaking the influence of someone else's evil eye upon us, but we need to be aware that, at best, the relief will only be temporary if we don't develop the power of our own good eye. By developing the power of our good eye through a little effort and revision of our habitual responses, we can shift our whole outlook towards the world and those around us. We have the ability to be channels for good to flow into the world; it all depends upon our desire. Not only can we wish good for others, but we can actually pray to God that the entire Creation itself be successful [Rav Ephraim Kenig]. In this way, we are restored as partners with God to repair and heal the world.

Source: BreslevTsfat
Also see: The Power of Vision

Parking Bonus

Watch what happened when motorists at Brighton Beach UK got a surprise they didn't expect from a Parking Inspector ...... no fine, just a ten pound bonus.

Welcome to 5772 and the Year of Redemption..... [Jewish time]

Welcome to 5772.

Ok, The Geulah was supposed to come in 5770,71...72?...73?...74?!?!?!

Don't worry Geulah seekers, Rebbe Yehuda in Tractate Berachos has explained for us the concept of Jewish Time!

Read the whole thing at: What Year is Geulah Again...and Where is Moshiach?

and a message from Daniel - where finally he acknowledges that Jews can still be redeemed, even from outside Eretz Yisrael:

It's worthwhile, really worthwhile to return. And those who are not able, return to HKB"H. He will bring you on eagle's wings. 

We are entering now, with G-d's help, to 5772. All the signs are that this is the year of redemption, all the signs in every place. All the prophecies show that we have a huge chance that this is the year of redemption.

And if, G-d forbid, not, then of course, this is the year that the world turns upside down, because the world can't continue like it is. The world has deteriorated very quickly. It cannot last.

Source and full transcript at: Message-5772

Three Wishes

 

In the Shaar HaKavonos of the Arizal it says that when the Chazzan lingers on the word "Ayei" Mikom Kivodo in Kedusha of Musaf you can have in mind one of three wishes that will be granted. Either you can ask for Ruach HaKodesh, great wealth, or children who are tzaddikim. 

The Arizal cautions that you can only ask for one and not all three so you must choose carefully. Rav Shimshon Pincus gives advice to those who are stumped by the dilemma. First of all he says do not spend you precious request asking for Ruach HaKodesh. Even if you were granted Ruach HaKodesh, since we are not worthy enough it would not settle on us, much like if someone were to pour a gallon of Cola into a 5 ounce cup. It is pointless. 

Children or Money? That is up to you. What did Rav Pincus choose? He used to tell his kids, "Please be good, I gave up a great fortune for you!"

Source: Revach L'Neshama

How to get rid of Bad Habits .....

..... and stay clean. Watch it here

Rabbi Yossi Mizrachi's latest lecture [not for beginners]: for more videos/audios go to the site: Divine Information

Shana Tova !

On Ahavas Yisrael

from the writings of Rabbi Sholom DovBer Schneersohn of Lubavitch [the Rebbe Rashab]

On account of our many transgressions, the sin of baseless hatred is found especially among pious people. Each builds himself a pedestal based on his own exclusive conception of Torah scholarship and avodah. There is neither bond nor unity between them. In truth, it is of fundamental importance for those who are occupied in Torah and in the service of G-d to join together and communicate with each other; for regarding the study of Torah our Sages applied the verse "Just as iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." Just as one iron sharpens the other, two sages sharpen each other in Halachah.

No person can assume (on his own) that his own perspective is valid. Only when one hears a colleague's opinion and each dialectically debates with another seriously, is it possible to arrive at a true view of the matter at hand.

Similarly in avodah (the service of worship and personal development), when people reveal and speak about their inner faults to each other, a number of benefits can be attained. For one thing, each person has certain faults of which he is not aware, for his own self-love [as the verse declares [Mishlei 10:12] "Love covers all faults"]. This surely applies to one's shortcomings with regard to various character traits. One's innate self-love masks them, and another person will help him by bringing them to his attention.

Furthermore, when a person reveals his inner faults he feels greater remorse than he felt before speaking. This stronger sense of regret over all past faults (leads him to totally) uproot his desire for them, thereby correcting his soul considerably. The confession of sins must be verbal. This corrects the soul of the sinner to a great degree, for the verbalization of one's sin strikes the innermost chords of his soul, causing him to feel great pain and regret.

Our Sages explained [Yoma 75a] a similar concept in their commentary on the verse [Mishlei 12:25] "Worry in the heart bows it down". The Hebrew verb ישׁחנה suggests a similar verb ישׁיחנה , meaning "speak of it". Thus the verse can be interpreted to mean "If there is worry in the heart of man, let him tell others (about it)". At the time one talks about his troubles, his pain becomes greater, but afterwards he feels better. Similarly in avodah, when one talks about one's inner faults, he feels greater pain at the time, but afterwards he feels better, for many flaws and sins have thereby been removed.

Furthermore, when people discuss spiritual improvement, each one proposes means of correcting flaws, and they can jointly resolve to correct certain aspects of their behaviour. A resolution reached by two or more people is more lasting than a resolution made by one person alone. Thus, it is obvious that many benefits result when those who serve G-d combine their efforts.

Now, this is only possible if one possesses the quality of bittul (selflessness) and is capable of coming close and becoming one with another person. But if one is dominated by yeshus (self-concern), it is impossible for him to reveal his inner faults to someone else. If he has a low opinion of others, how can he reveal his affairs to him, and what purpose will it serve? How could another person benefit him?

The fundamental reason however, for this attitude, is that he cannot become one with someone else, for in Torah study he stubbornly defends his opinion and thinks that his wisdom and knowledge is truth. He refuses to accept another opinion, or even consider it impartially without prejudice. When people discuss an idea in this manner, they draw further apart and become opponents. This disagreement in turn becomes a reason for preventing future co-operation and joining together, (for "he said such-and-such", and so on.)

Similarly, in avodah, such an attitude prevents cooperation and unity. One will not value the Divine service of another person or consider him to be an oved (one who devotes himself earnestly to Divine service through worship and self-refinement). He will minimize the worth of the other person's service and scorn and negate his positive qualities.

When he sees that another person possesses a fault - albeit a superficial one which does not at all affect the main body of his service - he will magnify it, speaking about it often, and humiliating him. Should he discover a character flaw in his fellow, (which is inevitable) for "who is so righteous as to have no flaws?" - he will say that this flaw proves that any good his fellow possesses is really of no consequence. He will exaggerate the evil to the point where any good the person possesses will be unnoticeable.

This is simply not true, for that individual's Divine service in prayer, Torah study and the fulfillment of mitzvot is in itself good, and constitutes his primary labour throughout the day. The negative character trait he possesses is merely one not yet corrected. "Man is born like a wild young donkey." [Iyov 11:12] He is born in an unrefined state and he must strive to correct his character traits throughout his entire life.

This service is alluded to in the verse "The days of our years - there are seventy years in them". The Hebrew word for "in them" בהם is spelled almost the same as the word for "animal" בהמה. A person is given seventy years in which to refine the seven evil character traits of his animal soul. This process of self-correction cannot be completed at once, rather [Shmos 23:30] "little by little will I drive (the heathern Canaanites) out from before you", i.e. considerable effort is called for. Only after extensive endeavours in prayer, meditation on G-dliness, and strengthening of the attributes of one's G-dly soul, is it possible to weaken, refine and purify, the natural emotions of the animal soul. And since the abovementioned individual serves G-d, he will surely refine and correct his character traits.

At times one needs help from others in order to achieve this goal, for one's own self-love will sometimes blind him from recognizing a negative character trait. A friend can make him aware of this fault and advise him on how to correct it. If one really loves another person, he will do so privately. If instead he dismisses him, scorns him, and humiliates him - particularly if he does so in public - this is a clear sign that he hates him and does not seek his good. (Nor does he genuinely want what every individual should desire - the service of G-d within the world, for this is G-d's will and desire).

The reason for this behaviour is his own lack of service; his own service is not sincere. Although he serves G-d in prayer and in study, he is not sincere, since he lacks bittul and selflessness, possessed as he is by yeshus and self-concern.

Source: "On Ahavas Yisrael - Heichaltzu" - A Chassidic Discourse by Rabbi Sholom DovBer Schneersohn of Lubavitch - Kehot Publications