The Mystery of Pain: Why Was Moses Afraid to Gaze at G-d?

World-renowned teacher Rabbi YY Jacobson presents a fascinating class on why Moshe Rabeinu refused Hashem's offer to understand the mystery of pain.

This week's class explores that unbelievable teaching of our Sages that at the burning bush Moshe forfeited a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Hashem offered to reveal to Moshe the greatest revelation of all: The mystery of human suffering.

The greatest minds, and the greatest believers, have grappled with this throughout history to no avail, yet Moses unequivocally refused the once-in-a-universe chance.

Why?

The answer sheds light on the true meaning of leadership, and on the depth of Moses' relationship with the Jewish people.

To listen to the shiur, click here: TheYeshiva.net

Rabbi Lau: Shouts of 'Nazi!' Cause Me Nightmares

Jerusalem - Tel Aviv-Yafo [Jaffa]‘s Chief Rabbi Yisrael Meir Lau says he was shocked to see a photograph of a Jewish boy wearing a yellow star in last week’s hareidi religious demonstration in the Jerusalem neighborhood of Mea Shearim.

Rabbi Lau told the Hebrew-language newspaper Ma’ariv in an interview that the hareidi public feels “persecuted,” but that this feeling “in my opinion leads it to express itself in a way that borders on blasphemy. If you explain to secular Jews observance of the Sabbath through hurling rocks and shouts of “Nazi!” then first of all, they [themselves] are sinning by touching the rock—which itself is forbidden on the Sabbath—and you also destroy the tiniest chance that those who do not observe the Sabbath might begin to do so.

“The picture of the beautiful and innocent Orthodox child at a demonstration, raising his hands in surrender, wearing on his garment a yellow star, chased the sleep from my eyes that night,” Rabbi Lau continued. “I am afraid for him, even for his faith. When this child will grow up and will realize what they did to him in his community, how they exploited his innocence, how they used him, he is likely to kick away the traditions of his father’s house.

“For me, to stand a child up with his hands raised in surrender in imitation of that famous photograph from the Warsaw Ghetto distorts history and shows incomparable ingratitude to the Master of the Universe, who gave us the Jewish State that did not exist when that original photo was taken,” he added. “The significance of the act is simply to ignore the kindness of the Creator Who tells you, you aren’t standing today before Nazis who are coming to destroy you. Today you have a country, you have a home, and the police are coming to defend every Jew, even if he demonstrates in the streets of Jerusalem.

“How can you compare Jews to a Nazi who was able to throw a baby into a frying pan on a burning Primus stove?” Rabbi Lau demanded. “And I am talking about things I saw with my own eyes. Or a Nazi who could take a child similar to the one who participated in that demonstration and tear him apart? Those who demonstrated “Nazis! Nazis!”—including the “price tag” demonstrators who attacked the IDF officers—don’t know what a Nazi monster is and to what depths he can reach.”

Rabbi Lau said he believes there should be deterrents and enforcement of the law when anyone uses symbols of the Holocaust. “Shouts of ‘Nazi’ at Jews—not to mention photos of things like that child—cause us, the survivors, insomnia and nightmares,” he said.

Source: Israel National News

Israel Needs a Reality Check

Violent clashes between Israel Police forces and ultra-Orthodox activists amid a public outcry over the exclusion of women from the public sphere is damaging the image of the Haredi community in the United States, Brooklyn community leaders told Haaretz on Tuesday.

New York Democratic New York State Assemblyman Dov Hikind added that "if a young Hasidic man would have spat on or hurt a girl in Borough Park he would have been immediately arrested and handled in the most stern of way."   [Source: Haredi violence is damaging Israel's image, U.S. rabbis say]

Exactly !

And in Australia..... they'd be arrested and charged with assault.....

So my question is:  Israel.... why are these men allowed to get away with abusing women and young girls?  What a chillul Hashem and total embarrassment for all of us.

Jewish Extremism : Out of Control

BEIT SHEMESH, Israel (AP) – A shy 8-year-old schoolgirl has unwittingly found herself on the front line of Israel's latest religious war.

Naama Margolese is a ponytailed, bespectacled second-grader who is afraid of walking to her religious Jewish girls school for fear of ultra-Orthodox extremists who have spat on her and called her a whore for dressing "immodestly."

Her plight has drawn new attention to the simmering issue of religious coercion in Israel, and the increasing brazenness of extremists in the insular ultra-Orthodox Jewish community

Source: Israeli Girl's Plight Highlights Jewish Extremism
More at : Beit Shemesh Gone Wild

Chief Rabbi Metzger ‘sees the light’ after visiting shelter

by Sharon Shenhav - JPost

Rabbi Yona Metzger

It’s good that Rabbi Metzger is sympathetic to the plight of battered women. But where has he been for 40 years?

On October 31, Chief Ashkenazi Rabbi Yonah Metzger informed Israel Radio, Reshet Bet, that he had visited a shelter for battered Orthodox women in Beit Shemesh and was horrified to hear of their suffering.

Apparently the chief rabbi had not been aware that Orthodox women were victims of domestic violence and expressed sincere compassion for their plight.

He described how he spoke with the women and listened to their stories. This eloquent spiritual leader pointed out that Jewish law (Halacha) does not condone violence in the home and that good Jewish husbands honor their wives and treat them with dignity and respect. He was so impressed by the experience that he is now going to recommend that all dayanim (religious judges) visit this shelter.

Rabbi Metzger’s concern and compassion is well deserved and to be commended. However, it comes a little late. Where has he been for the past 40 years? Has he been so out of touch that he doesn’t read newspapers or listen to radio or television? He served as chief rabbi of north Tel Aviv and has been the chief rabbi of Israel since 2003. In that position, he serves as a judge on the Bet Din Hagadol (the Great Court). Has he never heard of women seeking divorce from abusive husbands? The first shelter for battered women was opened in Herzliya in the 1970s. Why did it take him so long to visit one? What does his lack of knowledge say about him personally, or about the Chief Rabbinate and the rabbinical courts in Israel? FROM 2003 to 2009 I served as the only woman on the Commission to Appoint Dayanim. During that period I interviewed over 350 candidates who sought appointment.

My colleagues on the Commission who participated in these interviews, including a dayan from the Bet Din Hagadol and an Knesset member, would discuss the candidate’s yeshiva education and the rabbis who had been his teachers.

I would ask the candidates how they would handle cases where abusive husbands refused to give their wives a get (a divorce). Apparently these questions had not been asked of potential dayanim prior to my participation in the interviews.

The candidates seemed surprised by my questions and a leading rabbi told me that everyone was talking about the questions I asked during the interviews.

Like Rabbi Metzger, these candidates were well versed in Halacha, but seemed to know nothing about the problem of domestic violence in the Jewish community. When asked how they would handle such a case, they stammered and faltered.

Several remarked that abusive behavior doesn’t take place in Orthodox homes! Given this lack of knowledge in the world of rabbis and dayanim, the way abused women are treated in the rabbinical courts when they file for divorce is not surprising.

The rabbis simply don’t believe their testimony.

Even in cases where women have required medical treatment, including the need for hospitalization due to physical abuse by their husbands, too many dayanim seem to find such objective evidence unconvincing. Is it because all of the dayanim are men that they tend to conclude that abusive husbands’ behavior is the result of provocation by their wives? In most cases involving physical abuse, dayanim are reluctant to obligate the abusive husband to give a get. Let’s not even talk about emotional abuse. Most dayanim have never studied psychology, sociology or child development.

They don’t understand the concept of emotional abuse and certainly do not recognize it as grounds for divorce.

NO WONDER that studies of abused Jewish women show that they remain in abusive relationships four times longer than non- Jewish women. When they approach a rabbi for advice on how to deal with an abusive situation, they are often told that shalom bayit (domestic peace) is of the utmost importance. To improve the situation and reduce the abuse, these women are advised to lose weight, wear more attractive clothes, clean the house, keep the children quiet and cook more creative meals.

Now that Rabbi Metzger is aware of the problem, perhaps we can expect some changes. It’s possible that he could do something about raising awareness amongst other Orthodox rabbis and dayanim.

I would suggest that the chief rabbi begin by requiring all Orthodox rabbis to take a course in domestic violence which is prepared and delivered by social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, lawyers and civil court judges.

Hopefully, women who have been victims of abusive marriages could also participate in these courses, giving the rabbis an opportunity to hear the victim’s version of events.

The chief rabbi could organize such courses and require that every sitting dayan as well as all of those who submit their candidacy to be appointed as dayanim take such a course.

Feminist activists have marked November 25 as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women since 1981.

In 1999, the UN General Assembly designated November 25 as International Elimination of Violence against Women Day and encouraged non-governmental organizations worldwide to organize activities designed to raise public awareness of the problem. In Israel, there have been organized marches, demonstrations and conferences to mark the day for over a decade.

Perhaps this year Rabbi Metzger could, at long last, participate in these activities.

Would it be too much to hope that rabbis and dayanim could treat abused women with dignity, compassion and respect? Can we now expect that the dayanim will deal with abusive husbands by requiring them to give a get without requiring their wives to give up financial rights? Jewish women will be waiting to see what kind of action Rabbi Metzger takes, now that he has “seen the light.”

The writer, a Jerusalem-based women’s rights lawyer, is the director of the International Jewish Women’s Rights Project of the International Council of Jewish Women.

Source and talkback: JPost

Noach: A Vessel of Giving and Receiving

by Rabbi DovBer Pinson

This week’s Torah reading begins with the words “These are the generations of Noach/Noah… the earth was full of corruption…Hashem said to Noach, "The end of all flesh has come before Me, for all flesh had corrupted its way on the earth …Make for yourself an Ark.“ [6:9;14]

Noach is instructed to build an Ark to protect himself and his family from the subsequent Great Flood.

The reason given for the flooding/cleansing of the earth is, “… the earth was full of corruption.” The Talmud says that this means that the inhabitants of the earth were consumed with robbery and theft. [Sanhedrin] “…for all flesh had corrupted its way on the earth.” This is understood to mean that even the animal kingdom had become corrupted and there was interspecies relationships occurring even amongst the animals themselves. [Ibid]

Theft is an act of ‘receiving’ from another without consent, whereas interspecies relationship is an act of ‘giving’ without the other partner’s consent. In both actions there is a misalignment between the giver and the receiver.

The generation of the flood sensed that giving was an important part of their humanity, but allowed their selfishness to warp the give and take in the universe. They became selfish receivers and dominant givers, meaning that they received from others without giving in return and their giving was a dominating and abusive act.

The actions of humans affect the environment, and eventually even the animal kingdom became influenced by the unbalanced behavior of the human beings. Nature itself became infected with the tyranny of this generation, and the animals began mating with others not of their species. The masculine and feminine, giver and receiver, are designed to work in sync, yet, lacking the proper balance, giving became a method of controlling the receiver and receiving became a selfish act. This set the stage for wanton abuse.

Noach was commanded to build an Ark, a vessel which contained the universe in microcosm. Within this miniature world, Noach was obliged to give himself totally to the care of each of the animals, as well as the humans, that were ensconced within the ark.

His entire existence was both a constant labor of feeding and caring for the creatures, each according to their specific needs and schedules, and simultaneously an act of protection for himself and his family - sheltered as they were within the confines of the ark.

So on the one hand he was being protected from the outside forces of the flood, and on the other hand, his primary function in the Ark was to give to those who needed his care.Based on this state of existence, once the flood was over, Noach was able to rebuild a humanity based on a balanced equilibrium of giving and receiving.

The Energy of the Week:

A Vessel of Giving and Receiving

Our existence is a constant flow of giving and receiving.

To create a harmonious balance we must be sure that even as we protect ourselves and our loved ones, we are also giving out to the universe.

In order to give we must know how to receive, and in order to properly receive we must learn the art of giving, this way we complete the circuitry of life’s flow.

This week’s Torah reading imbues us with the energy of attaining this balance, to be able to give openly and simultaneously be capable of receiving that which we need to continue this cycle of receiving/giving.

We ourselves become an ark, a vessel, of reciprocity, and the energy of giving and receiving flow seamlessly through us, creating a harmonious, balanced universe.

You Can

Words that Kill

Art by xovikki

Onaas Devarim - Words that Hurt by Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

It is unimaginable for any G-d fearing Jew to earn a living by cheating [onaas mamom]. However in our daily lives, we may be transgressing a more severe prohibition than cheating – onaas devarim. Chazal say that onaas devarim is more severe than onaas mammon because a) a person feels more distressed when his feelings are hurt and b) money earned dishonestly can be returned whereas hurt feelings cannot be undone [Bava Metzia 58b].

When we speak about prohibited speech, the first thing that comes to our minds is lashon hara. Although many of us are aware of the severity of speaking lashon hara, there seems to be a lack of awareness of both the scope and severity of the prohibition of onaas devarim.

General Principles

The Torah commands us "Lo sonu ish es amiso" – do not aggrieve one another [Vayikra 25:17]. Rashi explains this to be a prohibition against causing pain or anguish to another with words, hence the term "onaas devarim." Nevertheless, this issur is not limited to words, hurting another’s feelings in writing or with a gesture is also included in this prohibition [Chafetz Chaim, Chovas Hashemira ; Shulchan Aruch Hagra"z, Hilchos Ona’a] There is a famous homiletic saying on the passuk, "Ki ve’apam hargu ish" [literally, "in their anger they killed a person", Bereishis 49:6] with a mere "twist of the nose [af]," one can kill a person.

One does not have to give another person "a devastating blow" to transgress the prohibition of onaas devarim. The Chazon Ish writes that onaas devarim applies even if the other’s feelings were only momentarily hurt [Letters, Vol. 1 #211]. For example, if a person was distracted immediately after being hurt and does not feel the discomfort or emotional pain anymore. This applies especially with children, who may be easily distracted and then forget their previous distress.

The prohibition applies even when no one else is present, and applies even in the privacy of your home between husband and wife or parents and children [Shaarei TeShuva 3:214, Chafetz Chaim, P’Sicha, Prohibition # 13].

Embarrassing another or hurting another’s feelings in the presence of two other people is a more severe aveira, as it also includes the prohibition of malbin pnei chaveiro be’rabim, shaming another person in public.

Continue reading at Daf Yomi Review

Reporting Abuse

Do not go to your local rabbi, go to the appropriate authorities. Your local rabbi may or may not be sympathetic, as shown by the attitude of  Sydney Rabbi Yosef Feldman who, after immense pressure from other rabbis, has now stood down from his position as President of the Rabbinical Council.

Based on the recent discussions by Rabbinic organizations in the US and Canada regarding reporting child abuse, and the recent standing down of a rabbi in Sydney ...... this article is reprinted from Rav Aviner.com

One's Duty to Immediately Report Child Abuse, at all Costs

When children are battered, whether sexually or "just" physically, anyone who knows about it has to report it to the authorities. The child, after all, is helpless and has no defenses. According to Jewish law, the primary loyalty of anyone who knows what is happening must be to the battered child, and this duty is absolute. Allow me to add that from a legal standpoint, if the person who knows about it is a professional in an associated field, for example a social worker or psychologist, and he does not report it, he is liable to go to prison for half a year.

Cruelly hitting children is alien to the world of Jewish law. Our halachic authorities viewed the matter so gravely that Ha-Rav Ha-Gaon Yosef Shalom Elyashiv ruled that outside of Israel in the case of a battered child, one must assist the authorities to remove him from his home – even if the child will be moved to a non-Jewish family. The reason is that such treatment could threaten the child's life (see Shut Tzitz Eliezer 19:52 who discusses abused children in Israel and considers the abuser a "Rodef – pursuer" who must be stopped).

The desire not to report it in order to spare the perpetrator may derive from sincere motives, but one must first take pity on the helpless child. His fate comes before all else. In the Crisis Center for Religious Women, it is reported that there are more children who suffer from beatings and sexual abuse among the religious public than among the secular public. This is not because the religious are more violent, but because more often the religious public avoids reporting such incidents, and they make reports only when the matter goes to extremes. Until then, the battered child suffers terrible harm.

It is important to note that there is only one situation in which one is exempt from reporting. If the perpetrator is aware of his problem, is willing to go for appropriate treatment, steadfastly shows up for treatment sessions, and the responsible authorities supervise this process, then the perpetrator is doing what he would be ordered to do anyway. In all other instances, without exception, there is an obligation to report abuse, and quickly. The child's fate depends on us.

I recall a story in which I was personally involved. Someone saw his neighbor kick his small daughter in the head when she was lying on the floor. The man hesitated about whether or not to report what had occurred, when it was clear that he would pay for his deed with a fight with the neighbor. I ruled that he was obligated to report it, and immediately. During the talk it became clear to me that the person asking the question was a social worker. I had trouble believing this and I asked him, "How can it be that you, as a social worker, would ask me such a question?"

He did report what he had seen, and as he feared, he got into a fight with his neighbor, as well as with much of the neighborhood in which he lived, since the violent father incited them against him. I heard about that and I talked to him. I told him, "It will all be worth it. Think about the fact that you saved a Jewish life."

A Wake Up Call

When dreadful things happen, I tend to block them out and try to ignore them, because I can't deal with them.

In the case of the little boy HY"D who was found murdered yesterday - murdered by a lunatic who by all accounts should have been locked up long ago - the only way I can deal with it is to get angry at all the frummers who protect these child molesters, who don't go to police and have them locked up, because they don't want to "inform" on another Jew.

Maybe now that the worst possible thing has happened, people will learn.  When you are kind to the cruel, you end up being to cruel to the kind.

Rabbis and communities: stop protecting child abusers, wife beaters and anyone else.  These people are dangerous, maybe you understand that now.  Or tragically, maybe you still don't.

Listen to your Body

The Talking Donkey by Rabbi Simon Jacobson

A mysterious event in this week’s Torah portion reveals a phenomenon new to modern psychology—that we must listen to our body’s voice, which carries messages, memories and potent power.

One of the strangest episodes in history takes place in this week’s Torah portion. The gentile prophet Balaam is commissioned by Moabite King Balak to curse the Jewish people. Balak felt threatened by the Jews. He wanted to defeat them in battle and drive them away.

Initially G-d does not allow Balaam to go. But after Balak’s emissaries beseech him G-d permits him to go, saying “But only do exactly as I instruct you.”

Balaam got up in the morning, saddled his female donkey and went on his way. G-d plants His angel in the road to oppose him.

When the donkey saw G-d’s angel standing in the road with a drawn sword in his hand, the donkey went aside from the road into the field. Balaam beat the donkey to get it back on the road. G-d’s angel then stood in a narrow path through the vineyard, where there was a fence on either side.

When the donkey saw G-d’s angel, it edged over to the side, crushing Balaam’s foot against the wall. [Balaam] beat it even more. G-d’s angel continued ahead, and he stood in a narrow place, where there was no room to turn right or left. When the donkey saw G-d’s angel, it lay down [refusing to budge] for Balaam. Balaam lost his temper and beat the donkey with a stick.

G-d then opened the donkey’s mouth and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you that you beat me these three times?” “You have embarrassed me [or: been playing games with me],” shouted Balaam at the donkey. “If I had a sword in my hand just now, I would have killed you!”

The donkey replied to Balaam, “Am I not your [faithful] donkey, upon which you have been riding from back when until this day. Have I ever been unmindful to you?” “No,” replied Balaam. G-d then opened Balaam’s eyes and he perceived the angel standing in the road, with a drawn sword in his hand. [Balaam] kneeled and prostrated himself on his face.

G-d’s angel said to him, “Why did you beat your donkey these three times? I have come out to oppose you, because your errand is obnoxious to me. When the donkey saw me, it turned aside these three times. If it had not turned aside before me, as it did now, I would have killed you and spared [the donkey].”

Balaam said to G-d’s angel: “I have sinned! I did not know that you were standing on the road before me. If you consider it wrong [for me to go], I will return home.” G-d’s angel said to Balaam, “Go with the men. But do not say anything other than the exact words that I declare to you.

The narrative continues with G-d compelling Balaam to bless the Jews instead of cursing them, to the chagrin of Balak and his cronies.

This story with the talking donkey is puzzling from beginning to end. If G-d didn’t want Balaam to go to Balak, why didn’t he just stop him from going? If for whatever reason G-d wanted to block his way with an angel, why did he hide the fact from Balaam and allowed the donkey to see the angel – after all Balaam not the donkey was the prophet?!

A Torah axiom states that G-d does not perform miracles in vain. Why then was this miracle of miracles necessary, to have the donkey see the angel, resist moving on, until the donkey ends up speaking?! This miracle would have been totally unnecessary if Balaam had seen the angel himself. Why the need to open the donkey’s mouth?!

The plot thickens: the Mishne states (in the Ethics of our Fathers) that the “donkey’s mouth” was one of the ten unique things created at dusk on the sixth day of creation! In other words, G-d planted this episode from the beginning of time by creating the “donkey’s mouth” for the day when the donkey would speak to Balaam!

Why is the “donkey’s mouth” so significant?

Briefly:

Torah speaks in the language of man. Beneath the literal meaning in the Torah narrative lay layers upon layers of deeper dimensions. Within the “body” of the story lies it’s soul – profound spiritual and psychological insights that illuminate the nature of our psyches and provide direction how to deal with the challenges of life. Every character in Torah, every episode of its narrative, parallels a facet of our personalities.

The story of Balaam and his donkey is the story of our own lives, with a multitude of lessons.

The Hebrew word for donkey is “chamor.” [A female donkey (jennet) is called “osson.” “Pered” is the Hebrew name for a mule (or a hinny), a hybrid borne of a horse and a donkey. But the general name for donkey, male or female, is “chamor”].

The Baal Shem Tov explains that “chamor” also means matter. In Exodus the verse states: “When you see the donkey of your enemy being overburdened by its burdens, don’t ignore it. It’s incumbent upon you to help relieve its burden.” Interprets the Baal Shem Tov: You observe “chamor” – your physical body and the coarse materialism of life – and you see that it is your enemy, opposing all things spiritual, and feeling overburdened by the sublime responsibilities of the soul. You may then consider ignoring the body so that it does not distract you from fulfilling your calling. You may even want to punish your body through asceticism and self-affliction.

Says the Torah: No! You are responsible to support, refine and elevate the “chamor,” even if it is ostensibly your enemy.

Balaam the prophet represents the paradox of a spiritual man locked in a decadent lifestyle. Each of us has two dimensions: A sacred side and a profane one. A person may be deeply spiritual, yet also profoundly corrupt. Indeed, the Talmud says “the greater the person, the greater his evil inclination.”

An extraordinarily gifted person always has equally powerful unique challenges. Left without discipline these gifts can be abused. And when they are, it is very difficult to get through to the person. Because the smarter he is, the better are his excuses and his ability to cover his tracks. He can mask his subjectivity with brilliant smokescreens.

At it’s extreme, you have Balaam: A prophet willing and delighted to use his Divine power to curse an entire nation.

Spiritual corruption or distortion is worse than other forms of corruption, because it uses a very positive force for negative ends. In other instances of corruption, you can always hope that a person’s conscience and spirit can be aroused. But once the spirit has been corrupted, and the soul has been taken hostage by destructive forces, what recourse is left?

The same holds true for any abuse perpetrated by a person who is supposed to love you: A parent, a sibling, a spouse. With strangers we have our guard up. If a stranger is abusive, s/he cannot hurt you that much because you don’t necessarily expect much from a stranger. But abuse coming from a loved one hurts us in the deepest place: the place of love. A parent, for instance, is supposed to love you, and as a child you are vulnerable before your parent. Thus, when the parent is abusive, it touches the very core of our beings: our souls. The worst abuse is the one that scars our most vulnerable places. Nothing is worse then love itself – and the source of love – being (ab)used in a cruel way.

So what is the antidote to this epitome of distortion? If the gifted person, or the one who is supposed to be providing love, has become corrupt to the point that he cannot even listen, how then do you get through to him?

The dilemma is also from the perspective of the abusee (the survivor): Once someone has been hurt in a deep part of his spirit, he doesn’t allow anyone in. So how can he be reached?

Yet, G-d in His infinite wisdom precedes the cure before the illness. Even when the soul may be unable to hear the message, the body has its own voice that speaks to us.

In modern psychology there is a phenomenon, which we shall call “psychological hypothermia.” When a child suffers severe abuse from a loved one (especially if its ongoing), the child will go “out of body” to separate himself from the experience. One of the reasons for this is presumably because the child cannot tolerate the possibility of a loved one hurting him. He therefore disassociates from the experience, as if it didn’t happen to him.

Hypothermia is “a decrease in the core body temperature to a level at which normal muscular and cerebral functions are impaired.” When a child, for instance, falls into ice-cold water, and his temperature drops to dangerous levels, the child will go into a state of shock, which shuts down the primary life functions to the point that the child may appear dead, in order to preserve the bare minimum energy for the vital organs. In other words, in order to survive the conscious faculties have to temporarily stop functioning.

The same is true psychologically. For survival purpose, sometimes we have to detach from an experience, to the point that we may be unaware of it in our conscious minds.

Yet – and this is the big yet – even as our conscious spirits may be unaware of the experience, our bodies remember them. Every experience in our lives is etched into the memory of our bodies. That is why we talk about experiencing “knots” and “tightness” in our bodies. Psychological feelings do not remain in the mental domain; they seep into the body, causing all sorts of physical reactions (“knots in the stomach” is one mild example). Anxiety oozes toxins into your body. Strong traumatic experiences tie up your body in knots.

In severe cases, the personality shift that happens at the time of abuse remains long after the experience. A child may grow into an adult that has actually shifted his personality, and is living, in some ways, like another person, often having “out of body” experiences. So severe was the initial abuse.

But, even when the soul, for whatever reason, is unable to consciously acknowledge an experience, the body has stored it away, for the day when it will be safe to emerge.

And therein lies the true power of therapy and growth: To help an individual find safety and security, so that he or she can then work on “untying the knots,” and allowing himself to access the soul that he had to hide away so long ago.

By no means is this a simple process. It can even be torturous at times. Yet, in a strange way this phenomenon is a testimony to one of the greatest resiliencies of the human being: G-d allows a child to survive even the worst experiences, and then gives him the strength to reconnect with himself when the times is right and the situation safe.

Even when the soul is not conscious of the memory, because the abuse came from a soul connection – a loving person – the body is endowed with a wisdom that does remember. And it holds the secret till the day when the soul will be able to hear the message.

This is the inside story of Balaam and his donkey. G-d could not get through to Balaam on a fundamental level. He saw that Balaam was intent on going to Balak and helping him implement his malevolent plan. But even when the soul cannot be reached, the body can. So it is the “chamor” – the body – that sees the “angel,” and it is the body that cries out to the person prodding him to open his eyes.

What is most fascinating about this concept is that usually we associate awareness with the soul. Yet, Jewish mysticism teaches that the body too was created by G-d. It therefore contains unique Divine energy of its own. Indeed, the body carries enormous power stemming from the Essence of G-d, which in some ways is superior even to the energy of the soul!

But often when our bodies speak to us, beckoning us to act, we may ignore the voice. Or worse: We may “beat” the body, as Balaam beat his donkey, because it is becoming a nuisance and distracting us from our misguided plans.

So, we have many voices available to us. In healthy situations, and in many instances, it is the voice of our souls that we should be heeding. Yet, at times our bodies carry important messages for us.

The question is: Are we listening?

Recognizing Abuse

by Rabbi Michoel Gourarie

Mirror Theory

We can all think of a few people that we would describe as being 'impossible'. These are individuals who push the wrong buttons, irritate us to no end and annoy us whenever we talk to them. These are the people that we find arrogant, critical, and negative or possess some other character deficit. How do we handle impossible people?

The interesting thing is that we don't all find the same people hard to take. The guy that annoys me doesn't bother my wife and the neighbor that she dreads talking to I can communicate with easily. Why do these difficult people clash with some but not with others?

The Baal Shem Tov explained this with the "mirror theory". He taught that when we look at others we are looking at a mirror. When we observe and analyze the behavior of other people we actually discover ourselves in them. The profile we create for others is shaped by our own personality.

None of us are perfect. We all have our deficiencies and areas of personality that are underdeveloped and need work. But we are often unaware of these deficits. Self love often causes us to be in denial, preventing us from resolving and correcting these weaknesses.

When we observe character defects in other people and criticize them, it is really the undeveloped parts of our personality that are showing up. We are only so irritated by these blemishes because the very same issues are unresolved within ourselves. My spouse might not have the same area of weakness, and therefore does not notice it in others.

When we see faults in others it can be used as an opportunity for self reflection. If we think someone is arrogant we can examine our own egos. If we describe someone as being unkind we can examine our level of kindness, compassion and empathy. If our friend's judgmental nature bothers us we should think about how we view other people.

We should always endeavor to look at people in a positive light. But when it becomes difficult, it is an opportunity to look inwards.

Art: Jack Vettriano

What about Abuse?

Is the "mirror theory" always true? For example, what about a woman who stands up to her husband who is abusing her physically or emotionally. Does it mean that because she has identified the abuse, there is something wrong with her? Does it mean that she has an abusive side to her?

Answer:

Thank you for asking this important question, allowing me to clarify the concept that I was sharing.

Inappropriate control, physical or emotional abuse is inexcusable. No one should ever have to be controlled or be the subject of any form of abuse. One of the most important aspects of a person is their dignity. In Halachic sources, we discover that there are instances where certain laws are suspended to preserve the dignity of the human being. The Talmud says that embarrassing or humiliating someone, particularly in public, is comparable to murder.

Victims of any form of abuse should never blame themselves in any way. Being the recipient of abuse is not a reflection of an abusive personality within the victim. A chronic controller or abuser is unwell, and identifying a sickness of another does not mean I myself am sick.

The mirror theory I shared with you is very different. What I was referring to was noticing deficiencies and weaknesses of other people that fall within the normal realm of human function. These deficiencies do not really affect or compromise us. They just seem to annoy and bother us even though other people do not appear to be affected.

It is these "blemishes" that we notice or highlight in others, which are really a mirror image of our own. It is these weaknesses that our sages refer to when they say that we should judge others favourably and focus on fixing ourselves first.

Mind Games



Art: Mike Worrall



The Baal Shem Tov said : "The world is a mirror. The defects you see in others are really your own."


That solves one problem: if we see a defect in someone else, we can rest assured that defect exists in us too, otherwise we wouldn't have noticed it.

But what happens when that defect does not exist in you, and therefore you don't notice it in someone else... ?

That's how simple, naive, innocent people fall for con-men. These innocent people don't possess a sneaky side: for them, it would be unthinkable to deceive someone else.... and therefore they do not realise when they are being taken for a ride.

They didn't see it, because they don't have that quality themselves.

When the truth finally hits, that they have actually been deceived, they are in a state of shock. It's hard to believe, how could this happen? Sometimes the victim will turn nasty and try to shoot the messenger, but ultimately they will realize that the "messenger" was the one they should be thanking for waking them up.

It's no crime to be innocent and naive, in fact it's a virtue, but these days the world is a very dangerous place, and we need to be on the alert for anyone who's messing with our minds.

Geneivat da'at - Theft of the Mind - is the worst theft of all.

Geneivat da'at is not limited to con-artists..... it's practised all the time by abusers and manipulators.  They do the crime, but they won't admit it, or accept responsibility for it.  Instead, they'll blame you, the victim, for everything, and bring attention to your defects in order to take the heat off themselves.   They will try to discredit you in every way possible in order to ensure that no-one will listen to a word you're saying.

Be aware that this is how abusers behave, and be on your guard in the future. Get as far away from these people as you can, and don't go back. 

A Gadol in our Midst

Here's a truly inspirational Rabbi - and someone who, although I have never met him personally - has changed my life, as he has done for countless other people......  and I would like to publicly thank him for it.

Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski M.D. who turned 80 last October,  has just published his latest book "Gevurah: My Life, Our World, and the Adventure of Reaching 80".

Besides authoring more than 60 books, he estimates he has helped more than 40,000 people recover from substance abuse through rehabilitation at Gateway in the last 40 years. He is also recognized as having called out addiction problems in the Jewish community, as well as exposing the problems of Jewish spousal abuse, which many people are still unwilling to recognize.

“I don’t think there is any question that my constantly beating the drum has brought it out,” Twerski said of spousal abuse in the Jewish community. “There is no question that my efforts have paid off in the long run.”

While Jewish spousal abuse continues to be a problem, Twerski said, “more women are now getting help. There are more organizations and more hotlines, and there is more education among rabbis. Unfortunately, there are some [rabbis] who are still in the dark and simply don’t believe it could happen in the Jewish community.”

Rabbi Twerski's excellent book on Spousal Abuse is a life-saver and highly recommended:  "The Shame Borne in Silence" is available here.

For  the complete article on Rabbi Twerski's latest book go to:  The Jewish Chronicle

Rabbi: Violent husbands should be ostracized

On the same day that the Jerusalem District Court convicted self-proclaimed rabbi Elior Chen for a long list of abuse charges, Ramat Gan Chief Rabbi Yaakov Ariel published a ruling asserting that a man who abuses his wife should be barred from participating in a prayer or any other Jewish activity.

The prominent rabbi, who heads Tzohar, a union of Zionist Religious rabbis, also ruled that a violent husband should be excommunicated – a tough and unusual punishment reserved by the Jewish law for those committing grave religious and moral violations.

"This is an explicit ruling in Shulchan Aruch (code of Jewish law), that a man who hits his friend is to be excommunicated," Ariel wrote on the Yeshiva website. "All the more so with a man who hits his wife."

The Tzohar rabbis announced recently the union's position on the matter, stating that the religious community is expected not to include a violent husband in prayers, to forbid him to participate in ritual Torah readings, and to prevent him from serving in any public position. Ariel's ruling provides Jewish law backing to their position.

'Stop ignoring domestic violence'

Rabbi Uriel Genzel, the director of the Tzohar Lehakika (Window for Legislation) initiative, which provides Knesset members with Jewish-focused opinion on issues relating to legislation, put together a document on the subject of family violence, and presented it during a recent meeting of the Knesset's Committee on the Status of Women.

"The attitude that calls every person to stop being indifferent to violence against women needs to be shown in every social circle, whether it's within the religious community of outside it," he wrote. "The community's treatment of a member who acts violently constitutes a test of the community's morality."

Source: Kobi Nahshoni Ynet News